Apple vs. Pear

Breaking news tonight from WCVB Channel 5's Dr. Timothy Johnson. Evidently its better to have a dumpy fat ass than it is to have a beer belly. According to Dr.Timothy Johnson, the fat that collects in your ass is fat that would otherwise clog your arteries. Where as stomach fat is just happy lovable stomach fat. I guess we should call him professor, Sir Mix Alot now.

So from this report I can conclude that;

     1. I'm closer to death because my ass is too thin.
     2. Dr. Timothy Johnson totally spaced on doing his report homework so he made some shit up.

It wouldn't be any more believable if Dr.Nick Riviera had filed the report. He did go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College ya know.

quick takes: 7news 1/11/2010

vicki warren - vicki has the news that tom finneran has been disbarred. (20 wallowing points)  and vicky?  she is cuter and is simply better than any reporter i watched while on the west coast.  (35 points)

joe amorosino - joe has the breaking news of mark mcgwire finally admitting to using steroids.  of course big mac's lawyers and handlers dipped in the wells of andy petitte and rodney harrison: i did it to get back with my teammates.  steroids didn't help my performance - they helped me recover from injuries.  this admission is crafted for the HOF voters.  i want a confession.  i want something along the lines of "i took steroids so i could score a big fat contract".  big mac?  big douche.  (- 583 points)  joe amorosino doesn't  lose his temper during this report. (17 points)

frances riveria -  that's a nice black dress with all those buttons.  i want to walk my fingers up and down those buttons, 1 black button, 2 black buttons, 3 black buttons...shit, how do you get chicken wing fingerprints off of an LCD?

i am having this picture of the creamy necked frances and linda ergas airbrushed to my bedroom ceiling as soon as i can convince my wife that it is an authentic, victorian detail.   

linda ergas - linda's in quincy with the story of the possibly fucked scott croscup.  the boston bruins fan is suspected of having one sledgehammer of a punch.  he's accused of punching out a couple after an argument in the govt center t station - breaking the girl's jaw and i guess fucking up the guy pretty good. (- 25 points)  apparently the police think that alcohol was involved. 

do people even go to jail for things like this anymore?  scary - i have no friggin' idea. 

thank goodness linda ergas looks like a toasty muffin this evening.  (35 points)

christa delcamp - tonight christa is telling me about a group who rescues greyhounds.  the story cites the delightful qualities of greyhounds - how they're gentle, quiet and like long walks.  the folks interviewed fail to mention that greyhounds are so friggin' tall that when you're sitting down, the greyhound is shooting its dog food farts at face level.  sadly, i'm speaking from experience. 

as for christa - tonight her lips and cheeks look, well - unnaturally plump.  overall, it's been a banner pregnancy for christa in the looks department.  i bet it's the best pregnancy she has all year.   (25 points)

kim khazei - k2 made a passing reference to hanging out with shawn thornton's family.  what the heck is going on over at 7news?

pete bouchard - the best weatherman in the city uses the word "freaky".  (5 points)

joe amorosino - redux - joe's at the garden.  a girl is practicing the national anthem in the background while joe tries to speak.  joe somehow manages not to go apeshit during his report. (23 points)

rhett lewis - patriots.  tonight rhett is sporting a shadow of a mustache that's about the closest thing i've seen to a real life durty sanchez.  (-15 points)

Fresh Ground Pepper

With all the gloom I'm feeling surrounding the worst Patriots game since the Giants Super Bowl, I was happy to find a cream filling. Believe it or not it comes from high school news station NECN's sports department. Or should I say Comcast SportsNet sports  reporter Jackie Pepper. Sweet, brunette, California born, University of Arizona educated Jackie Pepper. That resume just screams "I look great in a bikini." She delivers an adequate report and some day will replace the woman who replaces Suzie Kolber. That day can not come fast enough. I wish Suzie's career ended with the Joe Namath interview. Ms. Pepper bears a striking resemblance to Poison Ivy 2 star Alyssa Milano but with a deeper voice. For some reason a deeper voice lends creditability to a woman sports reporter. It also makes you think she might be a lesbian. Actually that might be the same reason. In the case of Jackie Pepper I like to think it means she enjoys an appetizer of loaded nachos before her bacon cheese burger.

Yes, please leave your hat on.

I hope this is a permanent change but lately channel 7 WHDH's sports guy Larry Ridley has fixed his problem with masturbating his script while giving his sports reports. Larry's crutch was a couple of pages of rolled up paper and would stroke lovingly during his sports reports. Once you notice it, you don't listen to a word he says. First you are embarrassed because suddenly there is a person in the room giving a hand job to inanimate object. Then you are shocked that nobody at channel 7 hasn't pulled Larry aside and told him what he does. Or Larry himself hasn't noticed his treating his script like an dancer at a Adam Lambert video casting.

Well the problem has been solved. Larry now folds his script in half the long way to he can't get a good bus station bathroom grip on it. Now he is only in danger of a nasty paper cut. I don't know how it happened and I don't care. All I know is when I watch the news I won't feel like I'm watching 9 1/2 Weeks with my grandmother.

Theres a new sheriff in town...

And it ain't Reggie Hammond. The new Queen of Anchor Hotness is the woman who is having the best rebound since Claus von Bulow. The newly single and ready to mingle WCVB Channel 5's Bianca de la Garza. She is as tight and warm as a new ski boot. Her friendly "yeah I could probably hit that" vibe catapults her past the reining Queen the Fine Filipino Frances Rivera. Sorry Frances your cold fake Girlfriend Experience is growing very old like Liz Bruner.

So congratulations Bianca. remember Heavy is the head, and tight is the dress that wears the crown. Either way we all win. The only loser in this is David Wade. That guy has to show up as some event with Jessica Biel to rebound from his loss.